Few people get my sense of humor to begin with, and my white colleagues weren’t sure they had permission to laugh at a black woman doing her impression of a racial stereotype. But Rubber Brother loved it.
“Ha! Buckwheat from The Little Rascals,” he chortled. “Clarissa, that breaks me up every time you do it!”
Jasper was stretching his serpentine body all around the circular “Y” table as he finished hooking up four mismatched television sets of varying sizes. One was an early, oversized projection TV; another was a color portable; the third was a Sony Trinitron in a deluxe wooden furniture cabinet, and the third was an ancient black and white.
“Wow, state of the art,” said Avie, who had accompanied me in her Wondrous Warhound outfit.
“I know this looks a little scavenged, but I wanted to test it on equipment we had lying around before investing in some new screens. Here, let me show you what we’re cooking up, Ms. Megaton Man.” He checked the cables and turned the screens on. “We should be able to establish communication shortly. We’re going to have what they call a teleconference.”
Other Troy+Thems were busy off to the side of the large space where most of the scientific machinery as located. Andrea Revell, only slightly larger than her normal sized that day, tinkered with some of the gizmos bequeathed to the team by the Teen Idols, including the Dimensional Portal that had turned her from the Negative Man to the Negative Woman.
Kozmik Kat, who had also driven up with us from Detroit, noticed an acrid smell in the air. “What the heck?” he said, holding his nose.
He turned and spotted the heavy iron cage off in the corner; apparently, Bobo the Gorilla had been moved from Royal Oak into the headquarters permanently. Bobo sat in his cage, docilely eating bananas. Nearby was the coat stand upon which hung the six-gun holsters, shot-up hat, and sheriff’s badge of Cowboy Gorilla.
“Speaking of bathroom policies, at least you could get that ape a commode,” said Koz.
“That reminds me,” said Jasper. “Soren, could you hit the switch? Girls, I wanted to show you this as well.”
Soren Sabersnag Sneed, wearing a lab coat, was near a wall panel. “Sure thing, Jas,” he said, and pushed a button. Suddenly, above us, the ceiling of the vast open space began to rumble.
“It’s a retractable roof,” said Jasper. “Half of the ceiling slides to one side, under the helipad. It’s great for airing the place out.”
The ceiling must not have been retracted in a few years, because gritty, rusty dirt and debris rained down on us.
“That’s fine for when the weather is nice,” said Koz, still holding his nose. “Luckily, it’s a nice spring day. But what are you going to do in the winter, with Bobo smelling up the joint?”
“Why did the Teen Idols need a retractable roof?” I asked, brushing off my uniform. “Did they park their flying vehicles inside the building?”
“Apparently they just preferred to fly out through the ceiling whenever they had an urgent mission, rather than take the stairs up to the roof,” said Soren.
The retractable panel took a few minutes to recede, but finally rumbled to a stop.
Almost on cue, the Phantom Jungle Girl swung in on her jungle vine that somehow miraculously was anchored somewhere up in the sky. She came to a soft landing a few feet in front of me and let go of the vine, which vanished in the blink of an eye.
“Thanks for letting me in,” said Fanny. “You must have known I was coming.”
“It wasn’t you, Toots, it was the ape,” said Koz, who still hadn’t let go of his nose.
“Oh, I know,” said Fanny. “It was getting too smelly, keeping him cooped up in that tiny detective agency office. Better to put the Brilliant Brain to work here in any case.”
Fanny pointed with her jungle javelin across the room, where the brain burbled in his glass jar. That’s when I noticed all the cables and wires connecting not only to the telescreens but also the other scientific equipment—all leading to the Brilliant Brain’s burbling glass bell jar, which sat on the edge of the “Y”+Table.
“Is he running the entire headquarters?” asked Avie, evidently impressed.
“This is nothing,” said the Brain, whose voice burped through the pink fluid. “I used to run all of the Pentagon’s NORAD defense system, not to mention NASA’s Univac computers—as well as the Bell Telephone relays for the entire northeastern United States—all at the same time, back in the day.”
Fanny noticed Jasper fiddling with the three TV screens. “Who are we linking to today?” she asked “The President of Uruguay?”
“The Doomsday Revengers, I hope,” said Alice2, who’d just come up from the team’s dormitory floor below. She was wearing her Mod Puma costume, naturally, and gave me and Avie big hugs. “I haven’t seen Clyde since he’s been in New York; it will be exciting to see how this newfangled teleconferencing thing will work.”
“Yep,” said Jasper. “We should be patched through to New Jersey, for starters. Also the Eye in the Sky and a few other places.”
We all started taking our seats around the Y+Table. Tempy appeared at the last minute, wearing her unisex Y+Thems leotard but with real nice color lipstick and lovely, understated earrings, along with Kiddo, who brought her darling baby Benjamin Franklin Pflug in a stroller. Tempy and Kiddo were still frosty with one, apparently still sore over the acrimonious debate about gendered bathrooms.
“What’s the Eye in the Sky?” asked Avie in a whisper to me.
“I guess it’s the ICHHL killer satellite,” I replied. “The one that looks like a giant blow dryer.”
Sure enough, the face of Preston Percy appeared on the projection TV screen, wearing his golden space suit and flanked by similarly-attired female agents who appeared to be floating in zero gravity. “ICHHL to Earth,” he said. “Come in, Troy.”
“How’s the bathroom situation up in orbit?” asked Tempy contemptuously. “Do you have to wear a dress to use the little girl’s room, Preston?”
“Oh, give it a rest,” said Preston.
Colonel Turtle appeared on the black and white TV screen. “This is Bayonne, New Jersey,” he said. “The Devengers, reporting for duty.”
The Lens, whose eyewear looked like something you would put coins into to look at a famous landmark in the distance, sat next to the colonel. “The Lens, Colonel Turtle, and the Angel of Death,” he read from a list. “Our core membership is present and accounted for.
The Angel of Death, a shapely woman who wore a skull mask and oversized bird wings, sat on the other side of the turtle. “You should pull back,” she suggested, “so they can see our special guest.”
Colonel Turtle manipulated a remote control with his thick claws, and the camera panned to show my father, the Silver Age Megaton Man. The four Devengers were seated around the vast “D” table.
“Hello Alice, Sissy, Avie,” my father called to us.
Alice2 blew him back a kiss. “Miss you, Clyde, sweetie.”
“There’s still a seat at the table for you, Rubber Brother,” said Colonel Turtle. “Whenever you decide to throw in the towel on that broken down old Motor City.”
“Bayonne can wait, ” said Jasper. “There’s more work on this team than I anticipated.”
On the Sony Trinitron, a garish, green face popped up. “You can’t have a shindig without the original fun-loving quartet, currently a trio,” it said. “It’s time for Yarn Man to lend a hand. Liquid Man and the Human Meltdown are present and accounted for, too.”
“Isn’t he supposed to be a burnt orange?” asked Avie.
Jasper stretched an arm across the table, adjusting the hue and saturation. “This belonged to my Aunt Dolores,” he said, as Yarn Man turned a less-green color. “Poor thing was red-green colorblind.”
One couldn’t help but notice the shabby environs behind the Megatropolis Quartet. I recognized the Navy Yard headquarters Avie and I had visited two winters ago, where we had met the beleaguered Y+Thems.
“Bing, don’t tell me you guys are still stuck in the old Y+Thems headquarters,” I said. “I heard Big, Blue, Bulky Guy joined the team, and you were moving back into Manhattan.”
“Mervyn and I got into an argument about who was stronger,” said Bing sheepishly. “He kinda busted up the place, then split. We lost our lease, so we’re back in the Navy Yards. It’s from hunger, but it’s better than nothing.”
Liquid Man popped his head in front of the camera. “Rubber Brother, when are you coming out to Brooklyn?” he demanded.
Jasper was visibly embarrassed. “Rex, I just told Mort—I’ve got my hands full with these here Troy+Thems.” He stretched behind the TV screens and continued to adjust them. “Sheesh, I’m Mister Popularity, all of a sudden.”
“It’s just that I’ve got all this paraphernalia with the letter Q on it,” said Liquid Man. “We’ve got to be a quartet—we can’t be the Megatropolis Trio.”
I thought Avie was going to raise her hand, but when the Human Meltdown came into the shot, she thought better of it. “Hey, nice outfit, Wondrous Warhoop,” he said.
“That’s Warhound, Chuck,” said Avie, cringing with distaste.
I noticed Soren, Tempy, and Kiddo all chuckling among themselves. They seemed amused that their former landlords were stuck in Brooklyn while they exalted in relatively new, sparkling environs.
“Serves ‘em right,” said Tempy, “having to suffer in that flea bag they used to provide for us, while we got a relatively brand-spanking new headquarters in suburban Detroit. I don’t miss that rat trap one bit.”
“At least they don’t have to contend with any smelly apes,” said Kozmik Kat. “Hey Rex, give me a call on a private line sometime. We’ll talk.”
“Speaking of private lines,” said Soren, “I suddenly remembered someone else who wanted to get in on this virtual conference.”
From his lab coat, Sabersnag pulled out an ancient Egyptian medallion. It was a tarnished brass piece, palm-sized, in the shape of a solar disk set in a crescent moon or horns. He set the ornament flat on the Y+Table. From it, mystic waves emanated, forming a small cloud that hovered over the medallion. Instantly, the face of Michele Selket in her glittering costume, appeared.
I felt a warm rush go through me at the sight my lover. It was a bit uncomfortable for. I know it was irrational, but I thought for sure everyone around the Y+Table knew that I had been lying in Michele’s arms all afternoon only a few days ago.
“The Asp, checking in from midtown Detroit,” she said. “I know we’re only a short distance away, but Doc wanted me to see if the astral frequencies still worked. He’d off meditating, of course.” I must of caught her eye, because she added, “Hello, Clarissa,” and winked.
I was mortified.
“Give Doctor Messiah our regards,” said Soren. “And say hello to Audrey and Wilton, if you run into them down there.”
“Will do,” said Michele.
“Are we actually going to be conducting any business at this meeting?” asked Fanny. “I actually have a few appointments this afternoon as Donna Blank, intrepid social worker.”
“Nope, just wanted to test the network,” said Jasper.
“This has been a test of the Emergency Megahero Network,” said Yarn Man. “If this had been an actual emergency…”
“Great,” said Tempy. “In case Ontario decides to invade the industrial Midwest, we’re ready.”
“Hold on,” said Jasper, who was still fiddling behind the screens. “I have one more caller to patch into this party line.”
From under the table, Rubber Brother brought up a small, portable device that looked like a cross between a walkie-talkie and a Geiger counter, with a tiny TV screen about the size of silver dollar. He set the device on the Y+Table and turned it on.
“Good Lord,” said Rex, who must have been able to see it from Brooklyn. “Where’d you dig that up?”
“I thought you might recognize your old handiwork,” said Jasper. “It’s a Multimensional Transceiver, isn’t it?”
“One of the original 1940 prototypes,” confirmed Rex. “I thought I’d seen the last of them when the universe split in two. How the heck did that end up in Troy?”
“I don’t know, but I thought I’d use it try to tune in your old friends in Ann Arbor,” said Jasper.
“Careful!” said Chuck Roast. “Rex told us about those things. He may have been barely a whiz kid when he invented ‘em, but they still could pack a wallop.”
Momentarily, the tiny screen flickered on. The image was blurry, but it looked like Dr. Joseph Levitch, or his identical twin, Julius.
“Golly, that crazy gizmo really works!” said Yarn Man.
“Greetings from Megatonic University,” said the nasal voice from the tiny screen.
“That’s no old friend of mind,” sneered Liquid Man on the Trinitron. “Whether it’s Joe or Julius—a Levitch is a Levitch.”
My father, the Silver Age Megaton Man, chimed in from Bayonne in black and white. “Easy, Liquid Man,” he said. “You’re talking about the family that created the Megaton line—and that includes yours truly. It wouldn’t take much for me to hop on over to Brooklyn and bop you one.”
Yarn Man and the Human Meltdown hurled a few barbs back, such as, “Your mother wears army shoes,” and “Just try it, ya big galoot, when you’re man enough.”
Rubber Brother waved his elastic arms. “Guys, guys, please.”
“I beg your pardon,” said the tiny image on the Multimensional Transceiver. “I’m easily confused with my brother. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Julius Levitch, although you may know me better by the name Doctor Software.”
“Wasn’t he a villain?” asked Andrea Revell, who hadn’t taken a seat at the Y+Table but lingered over by the Dimensional Portal.
“I’ve reformed from my evil ways, of course” said Julius. Behind Doctor Software I recognized his even creepier nephew, Grady Grinnell. “Sorry we couldn’t visit Troy in person today, but you should have received our little housewarming gift by now.”
Soren and the other Y+Thems looked at one another quizzically.
“No,” said Soren. “Did you mail us a postcard or something?”
“No, it’s a little bigger package than that,” Julius replied. “I suppose it will arrive momentarily.” The screen flickered off.
“I don’t like the sound of that,” said Fanny.
Suddenly, all of the screens went blank. “Sorry,” said the Brilliant Brain. “My mind wandered. You megaheroes aren’t exactly the most riveting conversationalists.”
The conference call ending abruptly, the megaheroes who had gathered around the Y+Table rose with apprehension, wondering what to expect next.
Jasper, for his part, attached the Multimensional Transceiver to a cable connected to the Brilliant Brain.
“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” burbled the brain. “You heard the Meltdown kid. That thing could be dangerous.”
“It’s a simple communication device,” said Jasper. “Although it can do more than call up Ann Arbor.” He motioned to me with an elastic arm. “Here, Clarissa, I wanted to show you.”
“What is it?” I asked.
Jasper fiddled with some knobs on the transceiver. “You tell me.”
The tiny screen was blurry, but it seemed to show an apocalyptic wasteland.
“Yikes!” said Kozmik Kat. “That looks familiar.”
“I think this device can peer into alternate realities,” said Jasper.
“That would only be logical,” said the Brilliant Brain snidely, “given that it’s called a Multimensional Transceiver. Doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.”
“That’s the Forbidden Future,” said Kozmik Kat. “I spent some of the worst hours of my life there.”
“The point is,” said Jasper, “We can use the Multimensional Transceiver to tune into any specific reality we want, past, present, or future.” He pointed to another cable leading from the brain to the Multimensional Portal. Andrea had turned on the device, and it was making its familiar hum.
“I get it,” I said. “You can use the transceiver to control the portal. Instead of some random alternate reality, you can pinpoint exactly where you want to go. But where would that be, exactly? My dad’s already back in this dimension.”
“We could search for the missing Teen Idols, for one thing,” said Jasper. “I’m not saying we have to do it right this minute…”
At this point, I should point out, the sun was directly overhead, and even though it was mid-April, was beating down into the middle of the room from the open ceiling.
Suddenly, a shadow was cast over the round Y+Table. Something large was obscuring the sky. We all looked up.
It was Dana Dorman, the Y+Them known as Domina, wearing some kind of robotic exoskeleton that turned her into a bulky, armored giant.
Troy+Thems!” she said. “I’m Double Domina now!”
“This must be the ‘housewarming gift’ from Doctor Software,” roared Soren, his claws out. “He’s never forgiven us for wrecking that Contraptoid!”
The other Y+Thems followed suit, assuming defensive postures. Although I wasn’t exactly sure what Tempy and Kiddo were going to do against their deadly former teammate, who now appeared even deadlier.
The Phantom Jungle Girl leveled her jungle javelin at the intruder, and even Avie wagged her tail as the Wondrous Warhound. “The first attack on the Troy+Thems!” she cried. “This is exciting!”
“I knew it,” I said. “I was wondering what you were cooking up down there in the Megatonic University labs!”
“Aw, c’mon, guys,” said Dana. “Don’t tell me you’re still holding a grudge. I’m here to join the team. Doc Software has been secretly developing this rig for me these past few weeks…”
The jets in Dana’s metallic boots brought her to a gentle rest on the carpeting of the newly-renovated Troy+Thems headquarters. Unfortunately, they also kicked up a cloud of dust from all the rusty debris that had earlier fallen from the ceiling.
Now, I was standing between where Dana landed and the Dimensional Portal, and Kozmik Kat was in front of me. Koz, who had tried all this time not to breathe through his nose, must have caught a whiff of the dust, and…
Well, you can imagine what happened next.
The sneeze Kozmik Kat let loose had such force, he blew himself backward, right into me. This was the last thing I was expecting, of course. Both of went hurtling backwards, right through the Dimensional Portal.
Right into the Forbidden Future.
Next: My Excellent Adventure With Koz
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Archival Images:
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| Rex Rigid, alias Liquid Man, inventor of the Time Turntable and Multimensional Transceiver (but not the Dimensional Portal!). |
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