“Impossible,” I replied. “I’m scheduled at the Union Stripe Café, and I have a buttload of homework…”
“Call off,” said Preston simply, and hung up.
I got Nancy, who was back in the employ of the restaurant after quitting abruptly the summer before, to cover for me at the last minute. Avie and I drove up to Troy in her Pacer that evening, our megahero uniforms under our civvies.
The renovations at the building in corporate-looking office park were finally completed, and the Youthful Permutations who had been living at the First Holistic-Humanist Congregation of Cass City were now moved into the dormitory floor. The large space on the top floor, arrayed with scientific lab equipment, now featured a giant “Y”-shaped table—more or less three long “T”-shape conference tables conjoined at the center in a circle of glass, surrounded by burnt orange tulip chairs.
In attendance were the original Y+Thems: Soren “Sabersnag” Sneed, Beatrice “Kiddo” Bryson, and Kav “Tempy” Kleinfelter. Baby Ben Franklin Pflug, known as Biff, sat in Kiddo’s lap. Kav, as she had revealed to me earlier her intention to henceforth identify as a woman, wore a lovely frock with hoop earrings, and made me wish I’d dressed up.
Also in attendance was the Negative Woman, who until a recent accident with the Dimensional Portal had been the Negative Man; the Phantom Jungle Girl, Cowboy Gorilla, and the Brilliant Brain; a very good-looking young man in a sharp, black suit who sat next to Fanny; Jasper Johnson, a.k.a. Rubber Brother brought Kozmik Kat, who spent as much time at the church as he did in our apartment; and Wilton Ashe and Audrey Tomita, sans their military robot B-50, the Hybrid Man. Me—Ms. Megaton Man—and my sister Avie rounded out the team roster. Avie of course was dressed in her Wondrous Warhound costume our Grandma Seedy had recently completed with the addition of paw-like gloves, a tail, and a dog-faced cowl—all sent by special courier from the Doomsday Factory in New Jersey—that I thought looked a bit ridiculous.
If all those folks weren’t enough to keep track of, there was also Secret Agent Preston Percy, advisor to the group, with two women in business attire with briefcases and legal pads that I didn’t know at the head of the table.
Soren was the first to speak. “We’ve asked you here to discuss a very important issue,” he intoned. “As you know, our roster has grown quite a bit to match the lavish accommodations we now enjoy here in Troy, Michigan. We’re no longer just a band on the run living in the communal residence of the First Holistic-Humanist Congregation of Cass City; we’re a legit megahero team fully sponsored and subsidized by ICHHL, the Ivy-Covered Halls of Higher Learning. Or, in this case…” Soren had to pause to read a piece of paper in front of him. “…the, um, Internal Commission on Health, Humanity, and Lifestyle.”
While the presumptive team leader got all the
business formalities of the meeting underway, the Phantom Jungle Girl, a few
seats to my left, kept winking at me and giving me the thumbs up, whispering,
“How you doin’?”
“Is Fanny flirting with me?” I said to myself.
“Don’t pay her any attention,” Cowboy Gorilla whispered to me. “She’s not in her right mind.”
“What’s wrong with her?” I asked. “She always gave me the impression she was straight. She’s never come onto me before.”
Cowboy Gorilla tried to explain. “You know how the Brilliant Brain and Bobo the Gorilla switch minds so that Bobo becomes Cowboy Gorilla?”
“Sure. That’s you, isn’t it?” I asked.
“Ordinarily, it is,” said Cowboy Gorilla. “But we were switching minds the other day just as a heavy stormfront moved in, and wouldn’t you know but lightning struck. The Brilliant Brain’s mind went into Fanny’s body, and Fanny’s mind went into me.” The ape pointed at himself with a gloved thumb. “I’m the Phantom Jungle Girl, Clarissa—trapped in the body of Cowboy Gorilla.”
“You’re kidding!” I whispered. “Fanny, that must be awful.”
“It is,” she said. “One of the reasons we all came here today was to see if Andre could help straighten us all back out; otherwise, I don’t like to be seen in public with Bobo or the Brilliant Brain. But I can see Andre’s been going through some changes, too.”
“Yes, Andre Revell is now Andrea Revell,” I whispered. “The Negative Man is now the Negative Woman.”
All this time, the Phantom Jungle Girl—or the Brilliant Brain in Fanny’s body—kept looking over at me and checking me out, smiling at me, and making clicking noises with his mouth. “Hey, babe! Looking good!” He puckered his lips and made a smooching expression at me.
“Has this ever happened before?” I asked Fanny-inside-Cowboy Gorilla. “Does the Brilliant Brain always act like this way when he gets inside a human body? He’s making me feel very uncomfortable.”
Fanny-inside-Cowboy Gorilla, sighed. “You know how he acts when he inhabits the body of Cowboy Gorilla—he always goes ape, chasing the Phantom Jungle Girl—that’s me—around my little office like a crazed executive after his tight-sweatered secretary. This time, it’s even worse: he has access to my Phantom Jungle Girl body, and he won’t stop touching myself.”
I looked over at Fanny’s body, inhabited by the Brilliant Brain, and sure enough, she was continually rubbing her hands all over her taut, muscular torso and tiger-striped bikini.
“Stop that!” hissed Fanny-in-Cowboy Gorilla. “That’s my body. Leave it alone.”
“Now, the main issue we have to discuss this afternoon is not a very pleasant one,” said Soren. “But because we have such a diverse and inclusive roster, it’s become an issue recently. It’s the issue of bathrooms and showers.”
“What’s the problem?” said Kiddo. “We all shared the same bathroom in the church residence when we lived there. We’ve all seen each other naked—at least Soren, Tempy, Jasper, Avie, and I have.”
Jasper Johnson, Rubber Brother, cleared his throat. Craning his elongated neck toward me, he whispered, “I never saw your sister naked, Clarissa, I promise.”
“That is the least of my worries, Jasper,” I said.
“This is no longer the church residence, needless to say,” said Soren. “And I don’t have to tell you our roster has expanded. The issue has come to a head because we now have the Negative Woman on our team, who until recently was the Negative Man. Also, my good friend Tempy, who has hitherto identified as male, is now living socially as a woman.”
Audrey, Avie, and I all clapped; Kav smiled and noticeably blushed.
“Don’t forget me, the Phantom Jungle Girl,” said Fanny-in-Cowboy Gorilla. “Even though I’m trapped in the wrong body for the moment.”
“Heh, heh,” said the Brilliant Brain in Phantom Jungle Girl’s body. Bobo the Gorilla, whose inarticulate mind was for the moment trapped inside the Brilliant Brain’ bell jar, just burbled in its pinkish fluid.
“This new facility is equipped with men’s and ladies’ rooms on this floor as well as men’s and women’s showers on the dormitory floor below,” continued Soren, who I should remind you is a gay saber-toothed tiger. “The question before us is which of these facilities should every individual member be using?”
“Yeah, I’ve wondered that myself,” said Kozmik Kat. “I don’t see a litter box anywhere.”
“It’s obvious,” said Wilton. “If you have lady parts, you use the ladies’ room. If you have men’s parts, you use the men’s room.”
“It’s not that simple, Wilton,” said Audrey. “Some members now have switched genders, emotionally and socially, if not biologically. Their identities have shifted, and we must respect that. Obviously, we need to leave the choice up to them.”
“I’ve always used the ladies’ room, at least as long as I can remember,” said the Negative Woman. “I don’t see how that should inconvenience anyone.”
“That’s not how I remember it,” said Jasper. “When you were on the Crime Busters, you always used the men’s room in the ol’ hideout. Of course, you were the Negative Man back then. But I distinctly remember both you and me standing at the urinals, chatting about sports and stuff.” He looked around the table at all of us. “What? That’s what you're supposed to do when you go to the bathroom—talk about guy stuff.”
“Funny, I don’t have any memories of ever being the Negative Man,” said the Negative Woman. “Although I believe you, Jasper. But in the memory I have now, I’ve always ever been a female.”
“So much for male bonding,” said Avie.
“I’ve always used whichever bathroom feels more comfortable to me at any given moment,” said Tempy. “Back in the Navy Yards, I tried to use the women’s room as much as possible, if only to avoid that vile Chuck Roast and his constant harassment. But then I’d use the men’s room to get away from Dana, who could say some very mean things. I consider myself gender-fluid, but I suppose I could stick with the ladies’ room, if that will simplify things. Frankly, I don’t see what the problem is; we’re all on the same team here. We’re the good guys.”
“Actually, Tempy, there’s been a complaint,” said Soren. “And it was made specifically about your use of the ladies’ room.”
“You’re kidding,” said Tempy, shocked.
“I’m afraid not,” said Soren. “That’s why we’ve brought in our Human Resources experts to help us develop a new bathroom policy.
“A complaint? Really?” Tempy was on the verge of tears. “By who? Who could possibly begrudge me the bathroom of my choice?”
He looked around at all of us and noticed only Preston refusing to look him in the eye.
“Preston, how could you?” demanded Tempy.
Preston Percy shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
I turned and whispered to my sister Avie, “I can’t believe it. The first big meeting of the Troy+Thems, and the big issue is bathroom policy? What is this, elementary school? This has got to be a new low in megaheroic futility.”
One of the women with a briefcase, the one with darker hair, pulled out some papers, shuffled them around, and prepared to speak. “Ahem. My name is Maia Monsanto, and this is my assistant, H.J. Hachette,” she said. “Actually, I’m an outside tax expert for ICHHL, but I have certain philosophical views on gender that are relevant.” She added, “H.J. here is a mystery writer sometimes known as Bobby-Joe Gallworthy.”
“My friends call me Bobby-Jo, without the ‘e,’” said H.J., who had blonde-orange hair. “It’s spelled more feminine, but sounds more masculine than Roberta-Josephine.” She added, “I stand with Maia. This is not a drill.”
Avie, sitting to my right, was becoming exasperated listening to all this. “We’ve got how many gay people on our team…straight people, black people…white and Asian people. And some who are a combination. Aren’t we capable of figuring out where to go to the bathroom for ourselves?”
“I never could figure out where you megaheroes go to the bathroom,” said Kozmik Kat. “I can go in an alley any time I want. But you guys, flying around all the time, swinging from rooftop to rooftop…do you just drop into a restaurant or gas station or somethin’?”
“Frankly, I don’t feel comfortable using the ladies’ room with either Tempy or the Negative Woman,” said Kiddo. “Or for that matter, with the Phantom Jungle Girl, if her body is going to be inhabited by the Brilliant Brain’s mind indefinitely. Tempy still has male genitalia, and both the Negative Woman and Fanny were born in different bodies that are likely to inform their view of the world.”
“I’m the Phantom Jungle Girl, trapped inside the body of Cowboy Gorilla,” said the Phantom Jungle Girl trapped inside the body of Cowboy Gorilla. “I have to use the ladies’ room.”
“Sorry, brother, but for the duration, you definitely should use the men’s room,” said Wilton.
“I can’t believe this,” said Tempy, wounded and angry. “Kiddo, sharing a bathroom with me never bothered you when we all lived together in the church residence.”
“It didn’t matter then,” said Kiddo. “Back then, the bathroom was so small, we could only use it one at a time. But the bathrooms and showers here have multiple stalls, so more than one person can be using it at once. I think all the bathrooms and showers in this facility should be strictly same-sex spaces.”
“Sex is real,” said H.J. Hachette, jotting a note on her legal pad.
“You’re the one behind this, aren’t you?” said Tempy, pointing a finger at Preston Percy. “You were always in the closet; you could pass for straight, when you wanted to. You never ran into any problems using a public men’s room, like I did, being more slight of stature. I was always picked on, got beat up…. Guys like you’ve always loathed little ‘fairies’ like me…never cared what happened to us…got what we deserved, didn’t we, for being freaks?”
“I’m the one who made the complaint, I admit it,” said Preston. “Tempy barged in on me the other day and I…I just thought the issue needed to be addressed. We have a similar policy throughout ICHHL…”
“I make you feel uncomfortable because the image I present is a threat to your own,” said Tempy. “Closet case.”
“I’ve been to your killer satellite, Preston,” I said. “They’re all babes up there, a bunch of women and you. You probably have your own bathroom to yourself, being the only male.”
“Privilege!” snorted Avie.
“I just don’t like the idea of transvestites using the same restroom as real men,” said Preston. “Now that Tempy’s living his life as a woman, he should use the room designated for that purpose.”
“The term is transgender, not transvestite,” said Tempy. “I’m not merely cross-dressing; I consider myself a woman now.”
“Call yourself whatever you like,” said H.J. Hachette. “Dress any way that pleases you.” She jotted another note on her legal pad.
“I’d feel more comfortable if Tempy used the men’s room,” said Kiddo.
The good-looking young man in the black suit sitting next to the body of the Phantom Jungle Girl raised his hand. “May I say something? I’m Fanny’s boyfriend, Jeff.” He clasped the Phantom Jungle Girl’s hand. “Only, I have a confession to make. I’m not a boy—I’m a girl. I’m just into drag. And I’m even more into the Phantom Jungle Girl.” He smiled at Fanny.
“That’s not Fanny!” snapped Fanny-in-Cowboy Gorilla. “I’m Fanny, trapped in the body of Cowboy Gorilla. Don’t you see, Jeff? I’m the gorilla your dreams.”
“Gorilla your dreams?” said Kozmik Kat. “Why didn’t I see that coming?”
“Sorry, my name’s not Jeff,” smiled the boyfriend, wanly. “My real name’s Geoffrina.”
“Live your best life in peace and security,” said H.J. Hachette.
“Just because a man wears makeup, heels, and a dress doesn’t make him a woman,” said Maia. “Why should we pretend, just to avoid hurt feelings?”
“Because we respect these people enough to make up their own minds about who they are and where they feel safest going potty,” said Avie, pounding the table. “I still don’t understand why we’re listening to these two civilians. As for Preston, he doesn’t even visit this building on a regular basis. If he’s uncomfortable going to the bathroom here, let him hold it and go down the street.”
I was surprised by my sister’s vehemence. But seldom was I as proud of her as I was at that moment.
“I remember the confusion I felt when I was a teen,” said H.J. “It was as if I didn’t have a sex, in my head. I hated being a female, hated how women were treated by society. Why couldn’t I be the boy my father had always wanted? That’s why I’ve always hidden behind neuter initials or male pseudonyms all my life. I always wondered if I had the guts to live my truth. But most teens outgrow their confusion, thank God, and I’m glad I straightened out.”
“I’m nearly thirty,” said Tempy. “I’m not going to outgrow my feelings. This is who I am.”
“And for some, transitioning may be the answer,” said H.J. sympathetically. “But you can’t deny the overwhelming majority of transgender women are men pretending only to gain access to female-only spaces. I should know; I’ve also suffered the scars of assault and domestic abuse.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that,” said Avie compassionately. “This took place in a bathroom?”
“No, of course not,” H.J. replied. “Everyone knows public lavatories are haunted by ghosts, trolls, and wizards who work for the Social Sorcery Administration who must needs flush themselves down the toilets every morning just to get to their offices.”
“Only in your stories, remember?” said Maia, patting H.J.’s hand kindly but firmly.
Avie threw up her hands. “What does any of this have to do with a member of this megahero team using the bathroom of his or her choice?”
“Nothing whatsoever,” said Maia. “We’re just having a philosophical discussion.”
“I was seduced in a locker room,” snapped Kiddo, “by a straight guy with whom I later fell in love, who made me pregnant and gave me this darling little boy.” She stroked baby Biff’s hair. “But that has nothing to do with the present state of my mental health, or my phobia about men invading showers or bathrooms.”
“You don’t have any issues to work out,” said Koz, shaking his head.
“I was jumped by Chuck Roast in the shower at the Navy Yard,” said Avie. “He wasn’t claiming to be a woman nor was he dressed as a woman or any such thing.”
“What’s your point?” asked Preston.
“My point is that if someone is going to molest you or assault you or rape you, they’re not going to switch genders first,” said Avie. “That’s totally absurd. If Tempy or Andrea or anyone else wants to use the bathroom they feel is appropriate, we should trust them that that is where they feel safest.” Then she added, “Except the Phantom Jungle Girl…she’s got to get back into her own body real soon, ‘cause that’s just creepy.”
“My point is, I’m the only real woman who’s a permanent member of this team,” said Kiddo. “And I say only biological women should use the women’s facilities. That’s our turf.”
“Turf Wars,” said H.J., scribbling a note on her legal pad.
“I’m a real woman, too,” said the Negative Woman. “Would anyone care to see…?”
“No,” said Jasper anxiously. “We don’t need to go there.”
“You may be a real woman for now, Dr. Revell,” said Kiddo. “But you could revert to a man at any time, for all we know.”
“Speaking as an engineer, that seems unlikely given the freakish nature of the accident,” said Wilton. “As it was described to me.”
Soren, who had called the meeting, had been listening to all this uneasily. He sighed and finally said, “Your points are all well taken, and I thank everyone for their contributions to this discussion. But Maia and H.J. here have drafted some language for a Y+Thems bathroom policy that I think makes sense. At least we should give them the courtesy of hearing them out. Then, if we feel it is warranted, put it to a vote.”
Rubber Brother craned his elongated neck to look out the plate glass windows that surrounded the floor. The later afternoon skies over Troy were darkening. “Looks like rain,” he said. “We need it badly, to wash all the road salt away.”
Maia Monsanto and H.J. Hachette huddled over H.J.’s legal pad in whispers. “I’ll let H.J. read it,” said Maia. “Keep in mind, this is a very rough draft.”
H.J. cleared her throat. “Sleep with anyone you like,” she said. “No, wait.” She scratched out some words with a ballpoint pen and wrote in something new.
“Sleep?” exclaimed Tempy. “I thought this was about going to the bathroom.”
“Shh,” said Soren.
“At least I’m permitted to have sex with the person of my choice,” whispered Tempy.
“Sleep with anyone who’ll have you,” read H.J.
“What?! Who’ll have me?” said Tempy, tossing up his hands. “Now, I don’t even get to choose. If I’m sleeping with them, they’re obviously willing to have me; if I tried to sleep with someone who wouldn’t have me, that would be rape, strictly speaking.”
“Sleep with any adult who’ll have you,” read H.J., pleased with herself.
“Thank you for clarifying that,” said Tempy. “I’m so morally depraved, I might have taken you literally and broken the law. No minors—I’ll try to remember that, criminal deviant that I am.”
“Something’s still wrong,” said H.J. She scribbled down a final word. “There. Perfect.”
“I can’t wait for this,” said Tempy.
“Any consenting adult. There.”
“Fine legalese,” said Tempy. “Triply redundant. If I’m sleeping with someone, they’re already agreeing to have me; obviously, they’ve also already given their consent. Since only adults can give informed consent, all you’re telling me is I’m permitted to have sex. Thank you for those explicit instructions.”
“At least she’s not telling you to go fuck yourself,” said Avie.
“Not in so many words,” said Tempy.
“But use the potty of your choice? Out of the question,” read H.J., completing her reading of the draft bathroom policy. She looked around the table at all of us, smiling with benevolent pity in her eyes. “I’ve known and loved a great many freakish people in my life; you need and deserve our protection. The notion that lavatory safety is hateful bigotry is an utter nonsense; it’s merely paternalistic fascism.”
“Who’ll have you? is something you’d say to someone you love?” said Tempy. “Lord, help us all.”
H.J. Hachette was still revising her prose—mumbling something about hormone therapy and menstruation as she continued to scribble on her legal pad—as Preston ushered both her and Maia Monsanto out the door so we could vote. We promptly voted not to renew Maia Monsanto’s contract, for one thing, and also decided members, visitors, and anyone else human or otherwise who needed to use the bathroom while visiting the Beavernois Building could make up their own mind which facility to use. The vote, however, was not unanimous.
We also voted that ICHHL install a unisex bathroom with a diaper-changing station for Kiddo, along with a private lounge where she could breast-feed baby Biff, which no one had the presence of mind to bring up before now. We had little doubt Grandma Seedy James would approve the additional expense.
As the meeting adjourned, the first rain drops splashed against the plate glass windows. Bobo the Gorilla, whose mind was inside the Brilliant Brain, sat burbling inarticulately in his glass bell jar on the T-table while everyone else got up from their seats and mulled around. No one was in any hurry to leave during a late-winter sleet shower, but the mood was too somber for anyone to feel much like chit-chat.
I asked the Phantom Jungle Girl, who was still stuck inside the body of Cowboy Gorilla, what she thought. “Hopefully we can put aside the gender issues for the time being,” she said gravely, although it was hard to take her seriously given her goofy gorilla face and even goofier cowboy hat she wore. “But it’s exposed some rifts in our team that may worsen over time. It’s not a very auspicious beginning for the Troy+Thems, I’m afraid. Furthermore, as social worker Donna Blank, I’d say Kiddo could badly use a few intensive therapy sessions, so say nothing of H.J.-Booby-Jo. But right now, with all that talk about bathrooms, I have to go potty.”
As Cowboy Gorilla’s body headed toward the restrooms at the far end of the floor, I looked around for the Phantom Jungle Girl’s body, but only saw her “boyfriend,” Geoffrina. She was busy talking up my sister, complimenting her on her Wondrous Warhound costume.
“Hey, have either of you guys seen Fanny?” I asked. “I mean the Phantom Jungle Girl with the Brilliant Brain’s mind?”
Geoffrina said, “I think she went to the little girl’s room.”
“Oh, no,” I said. “Both the Phantom Jungle Girl and Cowboy Gorilla are going to the same ladies room…”
The rain got harder and lightning started flashing, accompanied by the delayed rumble of thunder. Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light and deafening boom—a direct thunderbolt strike on our building—followed by the lights dimming. After a moment, the lights flickered back on.
The Phantom Jungle Girl and Cowboy Gorilla came out of the ladies’ room.
“I’m…I’m back in my own body again!” cried Fanny. “I’m the Phantom Jungle Girl again!”
Cowboy Gorilla shouted, “Yeehaw! The Cowboy Gorilla rides agin’!” To celebrate, he fired his six-shooters several times into the drop ceiling, shattering several tiles.
“Oh, no,” said Geoffrina. “I’m came out to Fanny when her body was possessed by the Brilliant Brain’s mind. But the real Fanny isn’t into girls…”
Bobo the Gorilla’s mind, which was still inside the Brilliant Brain’s bell jar, burbled in the pink fluid.
Next: Schroedinger’s Cat
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“Is Fanny flirting with me?” I said to myself.
“Don’t pay her any attention,” Cowboy Gorilla whispered to me. “She’s not in her right mind.”
“What’s wrong with her?” I asked. “She always gave me the impression she was straight. She’s never come onto me before.”
Cowboy Gorilla tried to explain. “You know how the Brilliant Brain and Bobo the Gorilla switch minds so that Bobo becomes Cowboy Gorilla?”
“Sure. That’s you, isn’t it?” I asked.
“Ordinarily, it is,” said Cowboy Gorilla. “But we were switching minds the other day just as a heavy stormfront moved in, and wouldn’t you know but lightning struck. The Brilliant Brain’s mind went into Fanny’s body, and Fanny’s mind went into me.” The ape pointed at himself with a gloved thumb. “I’m the Phantom Jungle Girl, Clarissa—trapped in the body of Cowboy Gorilla.”
“You’re kidding!” I whispered. “Fanny, that must be awful.”
“It is,” she said. “One of the reasons we all came here today was to see if Andre could help straighten us all back out; otherwise, I don’t like to be seen in public with Bobo or the Brilliant Brain. But I can see Andre’s been going through some changes, too.”
“Yes, Andre Revell is now Andrea Revell,” I whispered. “The Negative Man is now the Negative Woman.”
All this time, the Phantom Jungle Girl—or the Brilliant Brain in Fanny’s body—kept looking over at me and checking me out, smiling at me, and making clicking noises with his mouth. “Hey, babe! Looking good!” He puckered his lips and made a smooching expression at me.
“Has this ever happened before?” I asked Fanny-inside-Cowboy Gorilla. “Does the Brilliant Brain always act like this way when he gets inside a human body? He’s making me feel very uncomfortable.”
Fanny-inside-Cowboy Gorilla, sighed. “You know how he acts when he inhabits the body of Cowboy Gorilla—he always goes ape, chasing the Phantom Jungle Girl—that’s me—around my little office like a crazed executive after his tight-sweatered secretary. This time, it’s even worse: he has access to my Phantom Jungle Girl body, and he won’t stop touching myself.”
I looked over at Fanny’s body, inhabited by the Brilliant Brain, and sure enough, she was continually rubbing her hands all over her taut, muscular torso and tiger-striped bikini.
“Stop that!” hissed Fanny-in-Cowboy Gorilla. “That’s my body. Leave it alone.”
“Now, the main issue we have to discuss this afternoon is not a very pleasant one,” said Soren. “But because we have such a diverse and inclusive roster, it’s become an issue recently. It’s the issue of bathrooms and showers.”
“What’s the problem?” said Kiddo. “We all shared the same bathroom in the church residence when we lived there. We’ve all seen each other naked—at least Soren, Tempy, Jasper, Avie, and I have.”
Jasper Johnson, Rubber Brother, cleared his throat. Craning his elongated neck toward me, he whispered, “I never saw your sister naked, Clarissa, I promise.”
“That is the least of my worries, Jasper,” I said.
“This is no longer the church residence, needless to say,” said Soren. “And I don’t have to tell you our roster has expanded. The issue has come to a head because we now have the Negative Woman on our team, who until recently was the Negative Man. Also, my good friend Tempy, who has hitherto identified as male, is now living socially as a woman.”
Audrey, Avie, and I all clapped; Kav smiled and noticeably blushed.
“Don’t forget me, the Phantom Jungle Girl,” said Fanny-in-Cowboy Gorilla. “Even though I’m trapped in the wrong body for the moment.”
“Heh, heh,” said the Brilliant Brain in Phantom Jungle Girl’s body. Bobo the Gorilla, whose inarticulate mind was for the moment trapped inside the Brilliant Brain’ bell jar, just burbled in its pinkish fluid.
“This new facility is equipped with men’s and ladies’ rooms on this floor as well as men’s and women’s showers on the dormitory floor below,” continued Soren, who I should remind you is a gay saber-toothed tiger. “The question before us is which of these facilities should every individual member be using?”
“Yeah, I’ve wondered that myself,” said Kozmik Kat. “I don’t see a litter box anywhere.”
“It’s obvious,” said Wilton. “If you have lady parts, you use the ladies’ room. If you have men’s parts, you use the men’s room.”
“It’s not that simple, Wilton,” said Audrey. “Some members now have switched genders, emotionally and socially, if not biologically. Their identities have shifted, and we must respect that. Obviously, we need to leave the choice up to them.”
“I’ve always used the ladies’ room, at least as long as I can remember,” said the Negative Woman. “I don’t see how that should inconvenience anyone.”
“That’s not how I remember it,” said Jasper. “When you were on the Crime Busters, you always used the men’s room in the ol’ hideout. Of course, you were the Negative Man back then. But I distinctly remember both you and me standing at the urinals, chatting about sports and stuff.” He looked around the table at all of us. “What? That’s what you're supposed to do when you go to the bathroom—talk about guy stuff.”
“Funny, I don’t have any memories of ever being the Negative Man,” said the Negative Woman. “Although I believe you, Jasper. But in the memory I have now, I’ve always ever been a female.”
“So much for male bonding,” said Avie.
“I’ve always used whichever bathroom feels more comfortable to me at any given moment,” said Tempy. “Back in the Navy Yards, I tried to use the women’s room as much as possible, if only to avoid that vile Chuck Roast and his constant harassment. But then I’d use the men’s room to get away from Dana, who could say some very mean things. I consider myself gender-fluid, but I suppose I could stick with the ladies’ room, if that will simplify things. Frankly, I don’t see what the problem is; we’re all on the same team here. We’re the good guys.”
“Actually, Tempy, there’s been a complaint,” said Soren. “And it was made specifically about your use of the ladies’ room.”
“You’re kidding,” said Tempy, shocked.
“I’m afraid not,” said Soren. “That’s why we’ve brought in our Human Resources experts to help us develop a new bathroom policy.
“A complaint? Really?” Tempy was on the verge of tears. “By who? Who could possibly begrudge me the bathroom of my choice?”
He looked around at all of us and noticed only Preston refusing to look him in the eye.
“Preston, how could you?” demanded Tempy.
Preston Percy shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
I turned and whispered to my sister Avie, “I can’t believe it. The first big meeting of the Troy+Thems, and the big issue is bathroom policy? What is this, elementary school? This has got to be a new low in megaheroic futility.”
One of the women with a briefcase, the one with darker hair, pulled out some papers, shuffled them around, and prepared to speak. “Ahem. My name is Maia Monsanto, and this is my assistant, H.J. Hachette,” she said. “Actually, I’m an outside tax expert for ICHHL, but I have certain philosophical views on gender that are relevant.” She added, “H.J. here is a mystery writer sometimes known as Bobby-Joe Gallworthy.”
“My friends call me Bobby-Jo, without the ‘e,’” said H.J., who had blonde-orange hair. “It’s spelled more feminine, but sounds more masculine than Roberta-Josephine.” She added, “I stand with Maia. This is not a drill.”
Avie, sitting to my right, was becoming exasperated listening to all this. “We’ve got how many gay people on our team…straight people, black people…white and Asian people. And some who are a combination. Aren’t we capable of figuring out where to go to the bathroom for ourselves?”
“I never could figure out where you megaheroes go to the bathroom,” said Kozmik Kat. “I can go in an alley any time I want. But you guys, flying around all the time, swinging from rooftop to rooftop…do you just drop into a restaurant or gas station or somethin’?”
“Frankly, I don’t feel comfortable using the ladies’ room with either Tempy or the Negative Woman,” said Kiddo. “Or for that matter, with the Phantom Jungle Girl, if her body is going to be inhabited by the Brilliant Brain’s mind indefinitely. Tempy still has male genitalia, and both the Negative Woman and Fanny were born in different bodies that are likely to inform their view of the world.”
“I’m the Phantom Jungle Girl, trapped inside the body of Cowboy Gorilla,” said the Phantom Jungle Girl trapped inside the body of Cowboy Gorilla. “I have to use the ladies’ room.”
“Sorry, brother, but for the duration, you definitely should use the men’s room,” said Wilton.
“I can’t believe this,” said Tempy, wounded and angry. “Kiddo, sharing a bathroom with me never bothered you when we all lived together in the church residence.”
“It didn’t matter then,” said Kiddo. “Back then, the bathroom was so small, we could only use it one at a time. But the bathrooms and showers here have multiple stalls, so more than one person can be using it at once. I think all the bathrooms and showers in this facility should be strictly same-sex spaces.”
“Sex is real,” said H.J. Hachette, jotting a note on her legal pad.
“You’re the one behind this, aren’t you?” said Tempy, pointing a finger at Preston Percy. “You were always in the closet; you could pass for straight, when you wanted to. You never ran into any problems using a public men’s room, like I did, being more slight of stature. I was always picked on, got beat up…. Guys like you’ve always loathed little ‘fairies’ like me…never cared what happened to us…got what we deserved, didn’t we, for being freaks?”
“I’m the one who made the complaint, I admit it,” said Preston. “Tempy barged in on me the other day and I…I just thought the issue needed to be addressed. We have a similar policy throughout ICHHL…”
“I make you feel uncomfortable because the image I present is a threat to your own,” said Tempy. “Closet case.”
“I’ve been to your killer satellite, Preston,” I said. “They’re all babes up there, a bunch of women and you. You probably have your own bathroom to yourself, being the only male.”
“Privilege!” snorted Avie.
“I just don’t like the idea of transvestites using the same restroom as real men,” said Preston. “Now that Tempy’s living his life as a woman, he should use the room designated for that purpose.”
“The term is transgender, not transvestite,” said Tempy. “I’m not merely cross-dressing; I consider myself a woman now.”
“Call yourself whatever you like,” said H.J. Hachette. “Dress any way that pleases you.” She jotted another note on her legal pad.
“I’d feel more comfortable if Tempy used the men’s room,” said Kiddo.
The good-looking young man in the black suit sitting next to the body of the Phantom Jungle Girl raised his hand. “May I say something? I’m Fanny’s boyfriend, Jeff.” He clasped the Phantom Jungle Girl’s hand. “Only, I have a confession to make. I’m not a boy—I’m a girl. I’m just into drag. And I’m even more into the Phantom Jungle Girl.” He smiled at Fanny.
“That’s not Fanny!” snapped Fanny-in-Cowboy Gorilla. “I’m Fanny, trapped in the body of Cowboy Gorilla. Don’t you see, Jeff? I’m the gorilla your dreams.”
“Gorilla your dreams?” said Kozmik Kat. “Why didn’t I see that coming?”
“Sorry, my name’s not Jeff,” smiled the boyfriend, wanly. “My real name’s Geoffrina.”
“Live your best life in peace and security,” said H.J. Hachette.
“Just because a man wears makeup, heels, and a dress doesn’t make him a woman,” said Maia. “Why should we pretend, just to avoid hurt feelings?”
“Because we respect these people enough to make up their own minds about who they are and where they feel safest going potty,” said Avie, pounding the table. “I still don’t understand why we’re listening to these two civilians. As for Preston, he doesn’t even visit this building on a regular basis. If he’s uncomfortable going to the bathroom here, let him hold it and go down the street.”
I was surprised by my sister’s vehemence. But seldom was I as proud of her as I was at that moment.
“I remember the confusion I felt when I was a teen,” said H.J. “It was as if I didn’t have a sex, in my head. I hated being a female, hated how women were treated by society. Why couldn’t I be the boy my father had always wanted? That’s why I’ve always hidden behind neuter initials or male pseudonyms all my life. I always wondered if I had the guts to live my truth. But most teens outgrow their confusion, thank God, and I’m glad I straightened out.”
“I’m nearly thirty,” said Tempy. “I’m not going to outgrow my feelings. This is who I am.”
“And for some, transitioning may be the answer,” said H.J. sympathetically. “But you can’t deny the overwhelming majority of transgender women are men pretending only to gain access to female-only spaces. I should know; I’ve also suffered the scars of assault and domestic abuse.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that,” said Avie compassionately. “This took place in a bathroom?”
“No, of course not,” H.J. replied. “Everyone knows public lavatories are haunted by ghosts, trolls, and wizards who work for the Social Sorcery Administration who must needs flush themselves down the toilets every morning just to get to their offices.”
“Only in your stories, remember?” said Maia, patting H.J.’s hand kindly but firmly.
Avie threw up her hands. “What does any of this have to do with a member of this megahero team using the bathroom of his or her choice?”
“Nothing whatsoever,” said Maia. “We’re just having a philosophical discussion.”
“I was seduced in a locker room,” snapped Kiddo, “by a straight guy with whom I later fell in love, who made me pregnant and gave me this darling little boy.” She stroked baby Biff’s hair. “But that has nothing to do with the present state of my mental health, or my phobia about men invading showers or bathrooms.”
“You don’t have any issues to work out,” said Koz, shaking his head.
“I was jumped by Chuck Roast in the shower at the Navy Yard,” said Avie. “He wasn’t claiming to be a woman nor was he dressed as a woman or any such thing.”
“What’s your point?” asked Preston.
“My point is that if someone is going to molest you or assault you or rape you, they’re not going to switch genders first,” said Avie. “That’s totally absurd. If Tempy or Andrea or anyone else wants to use the bathroom they feel is appropriate, we should trust them that that is where they feel safest.” Then she added, “Except the Phantom Jungle Girl…she’s got to get back into her own body real soon, ‘cause that’s just creepy.”
“My point is, I’m the only real woman who’s a permanent member of this team,” said Kiddo. “And I say only biological women should use the women’s facilities. That’s our turf.”
“Turf Wars,” said H.J., scribbling a note on her legal pad.
“I’m a real woman, too,” said the Negative Woman. “Would anyone care to see…?”
“No,” said Jasper anxiously. “We don’t need to go there.”
“You may be a real woman for now, Dr. Revell,” said Kiddo. “But you could revert to a man at any time, for all we know.”
“Speaking as an engineer, that seems unlikely given the freakish nature of the accident,” said Wilton. “As it was described to me.”
Soren, who had called the meeting, had been listening to all this uneasily. He sighed and finally said, “Your points are all well taken, and I thank everyone for their contributions to this discussion. But Maia and H.J. here have drafted some language for a Y+Thems bathroom policy that I think makes sense. At least we should give them the courtesy of hearing them out. Then, if we feel it is warranted, put it to a vote.”
Rubber Brother craned his elongated neck to look out the plate glass windows that surrounded the floor. The later afternoon skies over Troy were darkening. “Looks like rain,” he said. “We need it badly, to wash all the road salt away.”
Maia Monsanto and H.J. Hachette huddled over H.J.’s legal pad in whispers. “I’ll let H.J. read it,” said Maia. “Keep in mind, this is a very rough draft.”
H.J. cleared her throat. “Sleep with anyone you like,” she said. “No, wait.” She scratched out some words with a ballpoint pen and wrote in something new.
“Sleep?” exclaimed Tempy. “I thought this was about going to the bathroom.”
“Shh,” said Soren.
“At least I’m permitted to have sex with the person of my choice,” whispered Tempy.
“Sleep with anyone who’ll have you,” read H.J.
“What?! Who’ll have me?” said Tempy, tossing up his hands. “Now, I don’t even get to choose. If I’m sleeping with them, they’re obviously willing to have me; if I tried to sleep with someone who wouldn’t have me, that would be rape, strictly speaking.”
“Sleep with any adult who’ll have you,” read H.J., pleased with herself.
“Thank you for clarifying that,” said Tempy. “I’m so morally depraved, I might have taken you literally and broken the law. No minors—I’ll try to remember that, criminal deviant that I am.”
“Something’s still wrong,” said H.J. She scribbled down a final word. “There. Perfect.”
“I can’t wait for this,” said Tempy.
“Any consenting adult. There.”
“Fine legalese,” said Tempy. “Triply redundant. If I’m sleeping with someone, they’re already agreeing to have me; obviously, they’ve also already given their consent. Since only adults can give informed consent, all you’re telling me is I’m permitted to have sex. Thank you for those explicit instructions.”
“At least she’s not telling you to go fuck yourself,” said Avie.
“Not in so many words,” said Tempy.
“But use the potty of your choice? Out of the question,” read H.J., completing her reading of the draft bathroom policy. She looked around the table at all of us, smiling with benevolent pity in her eyes. “I’ve known and loved a great many freakish people in my life; you need and deserve our protection. The notion that lavatory safety is hateful bigotry is an utter nonsense; it’s merely paternalistic fascism.”
“Who’ll have you? is something you’d say to someone you love?” said Tempy. “Lord, help us all.”
H.J. Hachette was still revising her prose—mumbling something about hormone therapy and menstruation as she continued to scribble on her legal pad—as Preston ushered both her and Maia Monsanto out the door so we could vote. We promptly voted not to renew Maia Monsanto’s contract, for one thing, and also decided members, visitors, and anyone else human or otherwise who needed to use the bathroom while visiting the Beavernois Building could make up their own mind which facility to use. The vote, however, was not unanimous.
We also voted that ICHHL install a unisex bathroom with a diaper-changing station for Kiddo, along with a private lounge where she could breast-feed baby Biff, which no one had the presence of mind to bring up before now. We had little doubt Grandma Seedy James would approve the additional expense.
As the meeting adjourned, the first rain drops splashed against the plate glass windows. Bobo the Gorilla, whose mind was inside the Brilliant Brain, sat burbling inarticulately in his glass bell jar on the T-table while everyone else got up from their seats and mulled around. No one was in any hurry to leave during a late-winter sleet shower, but the mood was too somber for anyone to feel much like chit-chat.
I asked the Phantom Jungle Girl, who was still stuck inside the body of Cowboy Gorilla, what she thought. “Hopefully we can put aside the gender issues for the time being,” she said gravely, although it was hard to take her seriously given her goofy gorilla face and even goofier cowboy hat she wore. “But it’s exposed some rifts in our team that may worsen over time. It’s not a very auspicious beginning for the Troy+Thems, I’m afraid. Furthermore, as social worker Donna Blank, I’d say Kiddo could badly use a few intensive therapy sessions, so say nothing of H.J.-Booby-Jo. But right now, with all that talk about bathrooms, I have to go potty.”
As Cowboy Gorilla’s body headed toward the restrooms at the far end of the floor, I looked around for the Phantom Jungle Girl’s body, but only saw her “boyfriend,” Geoffrina. She was busy talking up my sister, complimenting her on her Wondrous Warhound costume.
“Hey, have either of you guys seen Fanny?” I asked. “I mean the Phantom Jungle Girl with the Brilliant Brain’s mind?”
Geoffrina said, “I think she went to the little girl’s room.”
“Oh, no,” I said. “Both the Phantom Jungle Girl and Cowboy Gorilla are going to the same ladies room…”
The rain got harder and lightning started flashing, accompanied by the delayed rumble of thunder. Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light and deafening boom—a direct thunderbolt strike on our building—followed by the lights dimming. After a moment, the lights flickered back on.
The Phantom Jungle Girl and Cowboy Gorilla came out of the ladies’ room.
“I’m…I’m back in my own body again!” cried Fanny. “I’m the Phantom Jungle Girl again!”
Cowboy Gorilla shouted, “Yeehaw! The Cowboy Gorilla rides agin’!” To celebrate, he fired his six-shooters several times into the drop ceiling, shattering several tiles.
“Oh, no,” said Geoffrina. “I’m came out to Fanny when her body was possessed by the Brilliant Brain’s mind. But the real Fanny isn’t into girls…”
Bobo the Gorilla’s mind, which was still inside the Brilliant Brain’s bell jar, burbled in the pink fluid.
Next: Schroedinger’s Cat
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Archival Images:
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| The first appearance of the Phantom Jungle Girl, Cowboy Gorilla, and Brilliant brain in Pteranoman #1 (Kitchen Sink Press, August 1990). |
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